Tips for escaping a dangerous partner.

So what do you do if you are afraid of your partner? That is a question that many women and girls today face.

The FBI reported that "domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between ages 15 and 44 in the United States." A survey by the Justice Dept. and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 1 in 4 women will have an abusive partner. It is a reality that many women and girls are facing these kinds of relationships.

Unfortunately, few of them know how to get out. How to find safety. Where to turn for help.

Because I am a survivor of an abusive relationship, I understand many of the challenges these women face. My book When Love Turns to Fear: Answers from an Abuse Survivor has detailed ideas to help victims. In this article I will highlight the top concern and provide some suggestions.

The top priority for a victim in a dangerous relationship is to secure her safety. A woman is in the most danger after trying to leave an abusive relationship. So first:

Have a Safety Plan

Write it out, include checklists (these are provided in my book for more assistance). Be sure to keep the information you gather in a place where the abuser will not find it. The Safety Plan should include the following:

• A secret place to stay where the abuser won’t find you/your children. Women’s shelters are a good place to start for this. Some provide long-term housing, others are short-term. I stayed with a church family that my abuser didn’t know. Make sure you don’t make phone calls from this location or tell family members/friends who may let him know.
• The name of a lawyer to help with restraining orders. Some shelters provide this assistance; some lawyers will do the work free or at discount.
• Secretly copy records of legal and financial documents and keep these in a secure location. Copy anything you find - you won’t know till later what you may need.
• Check in with an assigned person at specified times – so they know you are safe.
• Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear yelling/conflicts at your home at any time.
• Set aside any money you can in a secure location in cash, to use as emergency fund. Don’t use credit cards, as these are traceable.
• Always, always, always, consult a local women’s shelter for advice and help on devising your personal safety plan. They have helped many women, and you can benefit from their expertise.

Once you have the safety plan in place, and preferably reviewed by a women’s shelter:

Put the Safety Plan in Action

Be prepared to tough it out. The laws are more in your favor now. The Violence Against Women Act – a Federal act that affects every state in the United States, has specific protections to help you (and any children you have) be protected against an abuser. This may include financial assistance, primary custody, strict restraining orders to prevent stalking, and more.

So do your homework, write everything down. You’re probably stressed-out already, so use checklists and other people’s support to make this easier on you.

Once you are safe – get counseling and emotional help. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship has been traumatized. And brainwashed. And overwhelmed. There is help out there for that too. Via women’s shelters, community sponsored counseling programs, and more. Be sure to go somewhere with staff that has plenty of experience counseling in this area, to get the right advice and help you need. With that, you’re on the road to recovery. It isn’t ever easy, but it is worth it. Life can be better. Believe me, and the many survivors I’ve talked to. You’re not alone in this, and you can make it out.

Alison Ogden
When Love Turns To Fear: Answers from an Abuse Survivor
Whenloveturnstofear.com